Not running sucks, but that doesn’t mean that all runs are wonderful. When things don’t go as expected on a run I not only have to battle my body, but also the voice in my head that is loud and overbearing. Self doubt has always been part of the script in my head and I typically can keep the volume turned down, but recently a long run did not go as planned and I’m struggling to regulate it. My life isn’t all about running, but a large portion of my confidence comes from my ability to push myself and accomplish what many think is crazy or impossible. I have found a means to keep my self doubt in check so when I experience a set back there is a spiral effect. It is a weakness that I often do not talk about or express to others, but I feel it is important to keep things real and be honest. I’m not as strong as I feel others see me. I don’t take compliments or handle failures well. It is very easy for me to slap on a smile and progress through my days giving off the impression that rainbows and sunshine flow through my veins…that is not the truth. Everyday is a battle.
I’ve recently written quite a few product review posts and tips/tricks regarding my running adventures, but it is time for me to take a moment and get real. I have promised myself moving through this journey of blogging that I will not forget why I am writing and that is to stay reflective. So today I get real, honest, raw about the place I am at today. The voice of self doubt is loud in my head. I am questioning myself and my ability to control things in my life.
I am not in crisis, but struggling and this began last week. I stepped on the scale and saw number that shocked me. I had lost several pounds, which to many would be a good thing. That is a misconception regarding individuals recovering from or living with an eating disorder. It is not so black and white. To see a low number has an opposite effect on my brain, it scares me because I like it and I know where this can lead to. I refuse to go back to my unhealthy ways, but the volume of self doubt got dialed up. I hear the voice questioning if I can I remain realistic and not take things any further. I have been here before and have a plan that I immediately put into action, but the self doubt doesn’t always quiet.
My recent long run fail shook me to the core and dialed my self doubt up even more. I have run much further than 17 miles with little to no issues. I know that not every run goes well. I have given that advice to countless runners – told them to shake it off and not worry. I have a hard time taking my own advice. Layer this on to the recent weight loss and I am having a hard time wrangling my lack of confidence to put it in its place. I need to stay vulnerable to feel this for awhile and grow from it, but it is so much harder than I thought it would be.
True strength and courage is being able to live with your heart open and have the power to let go of the familiar. I am fighting for that and will continue to push the self doubt down. Life is a marathon not a sprint…thank goodness, I need the longer distance to figure things out!
#BeKind #BeHappy #BeActive