We have been back from Spring Break for a few weeks now. I had fully intended to blog about our trip, but when I sat down to put words down I found the task harder than I expected. The vacation with the family was an adventure to say the least. Early in the year we had decided it was time to rip the band-aid off and take the kids to Disney. Up to this point our vacationing as a family had been minimal and locations were relatively close to home (Luxemburg, WI). With tickets in hand we boarded a plane and arrived in sunny Florida, which was a bit deceptive…they had hit a cold spell. The chilly temps lifted after a few days and we were able to venture to the pool and explore the beautiful grounds of our resort. My oldest daughter spiked a fever 24 hours after we arrived. This threw a wrench into our park plans, but we are flexible travelers and took it in stride. We hung around the pool and soaked up the warm weather. Now, up to this point you are probably wondering “what the heck” why is this special or in any way hard to write about. Run of the mill family vacation stuff…its the pool that threw me for a loop.
I am not a huge fan of pools. Water is great for showering, drinking, ect – the thought however of socializing in a bikini by the pool makes my skin crawl. I knew full well that I would need to bring a swim suit with me to Florida, but the task of actually putting it on sent me into a slight backslide. To preface this the day before we left I busted out a PR at the Dick Lytie 1/2 Marathon…I am stronger and fitter than I have ever been. Yet, I am still insecure. As I sat poolside watching my husband and kids play in the pool I realized just how far I was from the point I wanted to be. My confidence was rocked as others walked around clad in itty-bitty bikinis, having a great time not seeming to care who looked at them. I was embarrassed by my body sitting in shorts and a tank top, the thought of striping down even more did not seem probable.
I was crushed. I truly believed that I was stronger than this and had dealt with these demons. I can rationalize in my head to wear shorts to run on hot days, but a suit seemed impossible. I was struck by how sad I was as I sat there and missed out time with my family. I kept busy running to get towels for the the girls and taking care of them as the came out of the pool, but I was not in the midst of their fun. I did not acknowledge the impact of my issues while on vacation. My husband is very understanding and always jumps in with the kids when we are in pool type of situations, but that is not fair to him or them. I have some work to do! I need to deal with this and come to terms with where I am at. That is the crazy thing about body issues…they never really go away and rear their ugly heads at weird times.
This is a step back. Life is too short to sit on the sidelines, but it is not as easy as one would think to gain confidence. It is not as simple as eating better, losing weight, or working out. I am a healthy person. I run a ton and eat really well…this is truly an internal struggle that can not be “fixed” with a magic pill. Time to do a little soul searching. Writing about my insecurities is always a challenge. I find gear reviews and race recaps so much easier, but to grow we have to challenge ourselves! Looking back on this vacation was a struggle. I had to be honest with myself about how I felt sitting on the side of the pool while my family had fun. I realize that it is my choice to make a change in the way that I think and find peace with the body that I have been given and earned through having children, my eating disorder, and running. I’m not entirely sure how I am going to get to that place, but I know that I want to try. I owe it to myself and all those that love me to be with them in the moments that turn into memories and not be sitting on the sideline observing.
#Be Active #BeHappy #BeActive