“Ghosting,” to disappear without any an explanation…no phone call, email, text, or social post. The past few months I have faded into the background. A friend (thank you Melissa) reached out recently and called me on it. She noticed I was unusually quiet and wanted to know if everything was ok. I’m embarrassed to say that it isn’t. It has been a really long time since I have not been able to hold my shit together. I joke that running saved me from myself numerous times, but it is not a joke…it is the truth. I learned through training to look at food in away that I was not able to since I was 12 years old when my life as an anorexic began. The joy and control that I once experienced from running has faded, my recovery is falling apart. I feel so ashamed to have come so far to find myself in the fire storm of this disorder again. I’ve been withdrawing, hiding, scared to face the reality of where I am at. Truth be told I have lost focus and took the peace in my life for granted. Sadly I did not protect my recovery, as things began to unravel I tried desperately to keep my struggle a secret…but with time all secrets eventually are revealed. The effort to act like everything was alright and normal has become too much and I cracked. Once an anorexic, always an anorexic.
You are taught in the initial stages of treatment that nothing is a given and being actively involved day-to-day is important. You also learn that regression happens and no two set backs are a like. I have fought hard since starting therapy in college and managed to handle obstacles in stride. I saw this struggle coming, but I was lazy about my reaction. I didn’t take it serious, I had running on my side and felt invincible. Running was my balance, my weapon…or so I thought. Before I knew it small habits turned into complete shifts and the weight of this failure allowed doubt to rule my internal dialogue.
I don’t recognize myself anymore. I made jokes and attempted to pull away slowly hoping no one would notice. I reasoned that I could hide and keep this regression from others, it would be my secret. I was judge and jury – the verdict was failure and the punishment was isolation. I would never in a million years let anyone talk to my loved ones the way I was talking to myself. The hatefulness was piling on and my sense of self was diminishing rapidly. I tried to handle this one my own, but I could override the entrenched thoughts and behavior.
So folks, I am sorry that I ghosted you all. I have reached out to my support system to get back on track and will be taking time to heal. Self love is not my strong suit…giving up isn’t either. This is not the end of my story, but its time for a new chapter. Recovery is a tricky thing, it isn’t a linear process. I am responsible for being an active participant in my life and have learned the hard way that at no point can I be lazy. Onward and upward!
#BeKind #BeActive #BeHappy